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Exiledchild
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Name: Dark
Country: United States
State: New Jersey
Metro: Atlantic City
Birthday: 4/24/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: I love writing, Love music, and most of all love my drewbear. I am working on becoming a vet and schools a pain in the ass but what can I say, lifes a fucking pain in the ass
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Art
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  Kellyng1516
AIM:  Outcastdemonsoul
Member Since:
1/10/2004
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| Bye Xanga, I loved you but I love Live Journal more. Comment me there. http://exiledchild.livejournal.com/ | | |
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I really have been feeling rather alone lately. I guess
its because I’m away. I just feel so sad being gone ya know. I miss the dogs
sleeping in my bed and monster at my feet. The little ass hole. So today was a
day of nothing much but the same shit. Got up, watched Anne of Green gables
most of the morning. I forgot how much I love that series of movies. Soo
fucking good. I did some laundry and then took a shower, shaved, and got
dressed. I decided to go out with mom and dad to do things. We went and had a nice
lunch and then went to a few different stores and then oh let me see.. Another
fucking mall! WHOOO I love malls. So we walked around for about 3 hours and I
got a book. Whoot. I didn’t even know my favorite author had a new book I was
so siked about it.
I can’t wait to come home and go to work. I didn’t think
I’d miss it as much as I do. I hate having nothing to do. I hate not having a
car and I want to go to Ocean city so fucking badly. I want to go to smithvill
too. Oh I went to the jewelers with my mom and I found this ring that I feel in
love with. It’s a ruby heart in the middle with two diamond hearts and I found
this neckless I want that’s a skull and cross bones but the fucking things like
300 bucks. I was like no wonder I like it XD what can I say I have expensive
taste. This kind of sucks that I have like a week and a half before school
starts for me. I have to go summer school… Oh joy.. At least it’s English and I
can write some fun papers again.
I am sad. I just realized that I call everyone. Not Charlie but all my friends. No one ever calls me.. I wonder what would happen
if I never called anyone. Would anyone think of me or think to call me? Do I
have any true friends left? I know I can count on Christian but anyone else? I
high doubt it. Mind you this doesn’t include the boy friend. I know Jerry calls
me but that’s for an entirely different reason and I know that now.
I’m really depressed at the moment. All I’ve wanted to do
today is cry. Don’t ask me why I just feel so sad. I miss the old days. I miss
having fun with a lot of people. Why did everyone have to change? Why didn’t I
ever change? Why am I still the same. Am I still annoying to other people? Do
They still get pissed when I get hyper. I don’t mean to get that excited but
some times I really cant control it. Do they still get pissed at me for talking
so much? I really am a chatter box and I feel bad because of it. I mean.. Its
hard for me not to talk I have so much to say.. I guess I just doubt my self
maybe? That and I haven’t made a new friend in so long. I’ve been trying but I
just feel like it doesn’t work out for what ever reason. Maybe I'm just really annoying and no one likes to get close to me. I mean I know I’m a good friend
and I will always be a loyal one but I guess no one sees that eh?
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I’m sitting here and I feel so strange. I don’t know what it
is. I feel abandoned maybe? Maybe I feel alone? Who the hell knows anymore.
My mother completely hurt my feelings yesterday at the mall. 1. she told me she
was taking me shopping, and how did I manage to pay 50 bucks for clothing if
she was taking me shopping? 2. I tried on this shirt and I thought it looked
pretty cute on me and she says in front of two of the girls working there, “OMG
you look so fat, what are you pregnant? Take that shirt off now!” I just looked
at her and I swear my face turned completely red. I don’t mind advice about how
to dress but you don’t have to go that far. She really made my insecurities
flare again and I didn’t want to touch any kind of food for the rest if the night..
It brings me back to the time when I stopped eating because I felt like I was
really fat due to her. I had to take a second to really look at my self in the
mirror to see I am not fat. I am only 115-120 (it jumps around) and I’m a size
3 jeans. Come on now how am I fat?
Were going to the mall and I have no money. Great.. I
need some paints for the summer considering most of my jeans have holes in them
but I am really poor at the moment. I am missing a weeks worth of pay so my
check is going to be really tiny.. I don’t feel like walking around for another
6 hours. I just want to hang out for a while and go outside. It’s beautiful
here. I had forgotten how much I love it in this state. The weather is perfect
and its warm enough for me to cope with.
Dream story:
Oh I had a really weird dream last night about Charlie, Ashly, Sarah, and krys.
I was hanging out with Charlie and he was being all distant. He wouldn’t cuddle
with me or kiss me or anything and it was making me really upset. So I went to
see what Ashly was doing and Sarah came over to me and told me that she heard
something. So She told me that Ashly’s boy friend was cheating on her. I was
shocked and she told me not to tell her. So I asked Charlie what to do and he
said to keep my mouth shut. But it was eating at me because she needed to know.
I saw her outside by the pound looking really sad and I wanted to go over and
tell her everything. So I called my mother and asked her what to do. I said If
you knew something vital to a persons relationship should you tell them or
should you simply over look the information? She told me I should listen to my
heart. So I went over and told her. She was very upset and Charlie freaked out
on me for it. Then I went into his room and watched some TV for like 3 hours
and he didn’t come to lay with me. So I went over to him in the living room and
he was sleeping so I asked him to come and lay with me for a while before I
have to go. He said no and went back to sleep. I was very confused and hurt and
then I woke up.
What the hell kind of dream is that? | | |
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Ok so its my first day away and all ready I want to fucking
shoot my self. I had no sleep what so ever and every time I went to nap my
cousin happened to wake me every time by attempting to scare me. I almost
punched her. She’s 4. I did absolutely nothing today I’ve had about 4 hours of
sleep total today. I have to keep my tattoo a secret and my grandmother slapped
my side like 5 times all ready. I cry and my mother shoots me a dirty look. I
want to say, “Bitch you get a fucking tattoo on your ribs and tell me it
doesn’t hurt when people fucking smack it!”I don’t know how long I can take being
around my mother. I haven’t been around her for more than 2 days in the last 6 months.
I’ve all ready been bitched about for numerous things and she even called my cell
phone to fucking bitch at me. What the hell is that all about? I don’t know what
I’m going to do. I have no freedom, no car, and nothing. Will I survive this
week of hell? 8 days away from Charlie… oh I’m going to go insane.
The good thing about today is. I got to see my
grandparents again after not seeing them for almost 3 years. And we did first
class on the plain and they didn’t take my lotion for my tattoo. Speaking of
which I need to relotion it and maybe take a shower. | | |
| ok so a lot is running through my head right now. *sighs* shall I start with all bad news? I guess so. Why does life have to fucking suck soooooo hard core?? Ok so my uncle is in the hospital and is dieing of renal failure and my mom wants me to go to Georgia with her. I know what this trip is going to be. Its going to be a fucking guilt trip trip. *sighs* My mother wants me to get tested to see if i am a possible match for my uncle. If I am a match then she will guilt me into giving up my organ but I don't fucking want to. What if something happens to me? What if I have complications with having kids like my mother? How will I survive off one kidney? I want to go on this trip because I miss my grandparents but i don't feel like dealing with the guilt bullshit.
Second issue is my biological father wants to stop paying for my child and they sent me a letter like a week ago stating I had 20 days to respond and they sent me a letter stating he no longer has to pay because I haven't responded? They said I had 20 fucking days what the hell? I still need to register for classes again. Hopefully we can fix all of this and make his fucking ass continue to pay for the next 10 years.
Lastly i don't have to worry about car insurance now. But I do have to worry about my schooling. she told me she was going to pay for it and then takes it back? What the fuck is that? *sighs* I hope I can find a way to pay for school. My parents getting married is really going to fuck me over for financial support. bleh.. 74 hours of fucking work and only 450 to gain. it's the most i've made but god I fucking eat, sleep, and breath work! | | |
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